Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Alive in the paradox

Lately, I have been really struggling with the whole concept of paradoxes within our faith. Its funny how we can try so hard to do well in one area of our lives, and once we finally get a hold of the aspect we've been dealing with for so long, we find that we've let go on another end. Grrraaahhhh. There are days when I want to scream because of all the things in my life that need to be balanced. Why does it have to be so complex? Why can’t I just be really passionate and just not think, or else just do things for God and not worry about my heart. There are so many crazy tensions to keep in mind – its so easy to just to let go of a few. But who wants to be a lopsided Christian? Not me.
The one thing I have really been working my way through these past few months has been the idea of being reckless with my faith, throwing myself into impossible situations, living at a fast pace and just trusting God. That’s was, in many ways, the definition of my summer. Being on recruitment was a shift up in the gears; I had no option but to rely on God because I really had nothing to offer in the situations I found myself in. It was like my faith was becoming so vivid because nothing I did was on my own strength.
Three weeks of counseling at summer camps followed by three weeks as a team leader on Street Invaders required me to step out of my comfort zone time and time again. Trust me, a month and a half of hanging out with pre-pubescent, pimply, hormone driven teens took every ounce of strength I possessed – all I had to resist screaming. I usually do all I can to forget about my adolescent period; this was a nightmare. But in the midst of it, I saw God move; He changed lives and because of that, it was more than worth it. It was difficult but awesome – some of the most stretching months of my life. I left Street Invaders with a renewed passion and zeal for God and the things he is doing in the world. Then September came rolling around.
Coming back to FGBC was like stepping back into an entire different chapter of my life. The pace slowed, the type of ministry changed, and soon I began to get frustrated and confused with the tension between learning here in the classroom and living out the passion I discovered. For some reason, I felt like the two were incompatible, that I couldn’t be excited about life and be a book reading nerd at the same time. God broke that idea. He showed me that the passion to trust Him, to step out, to choose to be stretched, was supposed to be applied to every area of my life, not just in crazy ministry situations. The excitement and enthusiasm for the Lord that I had found was meant to flow into every function of my life, from doing my papers, to the way I work out the guns – He wants me to do it all with excellence and passion.
So I find it comes down to this one vital quality we need to develop, wisdom. This is that seeming unattainable characteristic that we all chase after but don’t really understand. It is that ability that we develop to navigate the ocean of life, avoiding the icebergs and following the right winds. I have to laugh as I write this because I’m so unqualified to describe anything about wisdom. I do know, however, that this is something incredibly important for us to seek – proverbs says it was the first of all of God’s creation.
Without wisdom, I’m dead in the water, being pulled around by the current from one extreme to the next. But thank you, thank you, thank you God, that you don’t leave me alone. You’re the source of our navigation, and because of you, I can be alive in the paradox.
The One I Love

How I would love for my creative abilities to flourish. It’s something I pray for all the time – but what am I doing with what I have? I look at the ways that God has blessed me; there are so many gifts I have that I leave untouched, how can I possibly ask for more? Its sad to say, but I don’t express myself creatively nearly as much as I should, both in a sense of my writing and drawing.

I’m trying to dive back into the world of creative expression. Last year, I had the opportunity to look back on the things that God had brought me through in life. I decided to write it down in a poem, and after writing it, I found that nothing articulates the testimony of what God has done in my life like this does.

Psalm to My Savior

When I was a young I rejoiced in you Lord;
As your child I knew your name.
As a Warrior you defied the schemes of the wicked;
You guarded me fiercely from all of sins rage.

You are a Mighty Mountain O Lord,
Yes you are the Boulder of Strength!
Forgive me God, for I ran from you though,
And collected stones to take your place.

With those rocks a fortress I built,
But soon it became a dungeon self-made.
Stumbling in the shadows I abandoned all hope;
Lost in the darkness I had forgotten your name.

But through the walls a voice I heard;
Within my heart a whisper did say,
“Please let me in to free you my child,
Allow me to come and heal all your pain”

Pride chained my wrists, and fear held my legs;
My heart grew cold, even numb, to the scars ache.
The lies reached deeper, a mirror being cracked;
But your love, it’s relentless - and Truth found a way.

The deceiver who held me was gripped with terror;
The darkness around me fled at your sight.
With arms of iron you tore down the walls;
The light of your love brought day to my night!

You opened my eyes with your hands of healing;
Without the darkness, now I could see.
But I fell to my knees at the sight of myself;
Covered in filth, I collapsed at your feet.

As a Father O Lord, you helped me back up;
Gently, you held me and said,
“Those dirty rags I will replace my child,
A robe of white you will wear instead!”

So that’s it. He walked with me. I ran from Him. Then He saved me from myself when I was sinking into darkness. He’s my hero … the King who called me from poverty to be a knight that sits around his table. His goodness is too great, the one I love – the one I need. Thank you Jesus, for picking me up and using my brokenness.

Phobophobia

So it’s finally happened. That’s right, after like 4 months of thinking about it and putting it off for as long as I could - I blogged. No big deal right, so why the wait? Well this problem isn't new to me, its not even surprising. I’m sure most of you who read this can sympathize with the tendency to procrastinate; from writing papers to making a move in a relationship, I tend to put all sorts of stuff off. Why do I do this! It's such a thorn in my side - something I’ve been wrestling with since coming here to FGBC. I’m really beginning to wonder if procrastination in my case is the symptom of something deeper, something sinister. Fear. Are we afraid of the things we want the most?
God is awesome. One of the things that the Lord has been putting on my heart this year is to live my life with passion. I want to wake up each day with a hunger for life – to be utterly relentless in pursuit of Jesus. I want His blood to run through my veins, and love to emanate from my words and actions. I want to impact people’s lives – to change the world somehow. I’m not pretending to be unique here, what Christian doesn’t want this deep down? But yet there is something that causes us to hesitate, to question both ourselves and the God who we love. We could be reaching out, causing collisions, changing lives and being changed; but so often we find ourselves sinking into mediocrity.
During the summer, right before coming here for my 3rd year, I had a choice I had to make that would effect my course in life. I felt like God was showing a me a picture of how my life could be: Jesus stood across the room from me holding out his hand. In it, he held all the good things he wants to do to and through me. Every adventure, opportunity, relationship, every blessing and occasion he wants me to experience rested in the palm of his hand. As I sat there, I knew that I could do one of two things. I could remain sitting, with my eyes closed, paralyzed by fear, and numb with a false sense of safety. Or, I could open my eyes, stand, walk, and draw near to the one who would love to show me what life in abundance looks like.
Now, I don’t want to give the impression that once we choose to pursue Christ, he will make life pleasurable and easy. Quite the opposite in many ways. I know that following Christ means enduring suffering and hardship. But one thing I made the decision about years ago when I became a Christian was that I would rather walk through pain than sit around and not walk at all. Besides, I know that whatever he has in store, its infinitely better than letting it pass by.
If we knew the possibilities that rested on the other side of fear we would never question taking that step. Fear is like the 10 pound yappy poodle – its so small but you would rather go around than through it. There is a guy who I’m friends with who constantly pours into my life (usually unknowingly), and this summer he said something that resonates with me, “Craig I never swear, but if I had to say the F word it would be F*** fear.” That tells me something – pursuing Christ is so important that I need to get furious when something like fear gets in the way of it.
So this is the challenge: what are the yappy poodles in your life that keep you from the things you want and need the most? Whether it’s fear, sin, laziness, apathy, you name it - if it keeps us from standing up and reaching for Christ than we need to learn how to kick it in the teeth, look to the goal, and walk on.
It’s the only way we’ll get anywhere; and the destination is better than we know.