Alive in the paradox

Lately, I have been really struggling with the whole concept of paradoxes within our faith. Its funny how we can try so hard to do well in one area of our lives, and once we finally get a hold of the aspect we've been dealing with for so long, we find that we've let go on another end. Grrraaahhhh. There are days when I want to scream because of all the things in my life that need to be balanced. Why does it have to be so complex? Why can’t I just be really passionate and just not think, or else just do things for God and not worry about my heart. There are so many crazy tensions to keep in mind – its so easy to just to let go of a few. But who wants to be a lopsided Christian? Not me.
The one thing I have really been working my way through these past few months has been the idea of being reckless with my faith, throwing myself into impossible situations, living at a fast pace and just trusting God. That’s was, in many ways, the definition of my summer. Being on recruitment was a shift up in the gears; I had no option but to rely on God because I really had nothing to offer in the situations I found myself in. It was like my faith was becoming so vivid because nothing I did was on my own strength.
Three weeks of counseling at summer camps followed by three weeks as a team leader on Street Invaders required me to step out of my comfort zone time and time again. Trust me, a month and a half of hanging out with pre-pubescent, pimply, hormone driven teens took every ounce of strength I possessed – all I had to resist screaming. I usually do all I can to forget about my adolescent period; this was a nightmare. But in the midst of it, I saw God move; He changed lives and because of that, it was more than worth it. It was difficult but awesome – some of the most stretching months of my life. I left Street Invaders with a renewed passion and zeal for God and the things he is doing in the world. Then September came rolling around.
Coming back to FGBC was like stepping back into an entire different chapter of my life. The pace slowed, the type of ministry changed, and soon I began to get frustrated and confused with the tension between learning here in the classroom and living out the passion I discovered. For some reason, I felt like the two were incompatible, that I couldn’t be excited about life and be a book reading nerd at the same time. God broke that idea. He showed me that the passion to trust Him, to step out, to choose to be stretched, was supposed to be applied to every area of my life, not just in crazy ministry situations. The excitement and enthusiasm for the Lord that I had found was meant to flow into every function of my life, from doing my papers, to the way I work out the guns – He wants me to do it all with excellence and passion.
So I find it comes down to this one vital quality we need to develop, wisdom. This is that seeming unattainable characteristic that we all chase after but don’t really understand. It is that ability that we develop to navigate the ocean of life, avoiding the icebergs and following the right winds. I have to laugh as I write this because I’m so unqualified to describe anything about wisdom. I do know, however, that this is something incredibly important for us to seek – proverbs says it was the first of all of God’s creation.
Without wisdom, I’m dead in the water, being pulled around by the current from one extreme to the next. But thank you, thank you, thank you God, that you don’t leave me alone. You’re the source of our navigation, and because of you, I can be alive in the paradox.